True Love

LGBT and the Church on Marriage

Ok I'm going to attempt this, every other time I've tried, some major thing has been announced and it changes everything.

This is my quick and dirty version of my thoughts on this:
People who don't agree with marriage usually have a religious belief to stand behind. I totally get this, as a once practising Christian I can see how you could say "the bible says..." or "I feel like God doesn't like..." on any issue as a perfectly reasonable way of pushing an agenda. It was fine! Very justified.

When I was at a Christian Christmas party once, I overheard a group of gentlemen talking about Gay marriage (ok I was part of the group, alright!?). They were discussing voting for John Howard (it was a while ago) over the Labor party solely because of the Liberal Party's stance on Gay Marriage. The exact comment that followed was "I couldn't think of anything more disgusting than two men getting married, the very thought makes me sick to my stomach". The other guys couldn't agree more and they laughed and mocked as best and hard as they could. That would go down as one of the most awkward conversations of my life, because as they were busy enjoying themselves I was feeling somewhat rejected and uncomfortable and to be fair, it was me that was sick to my stomach. This stopped being about God for them, they had let their guard down, it stopped being about Jesus, it was about them. Their ignorant hatred towards people that they didn't understand.

That's when it hit me. Any person with a religious belief about God not liking Gay Marriage actually doesn't like it themselves but isn't confident enough to just say that. Because the reality is that no one actually KNOWS for sure and certain what God does feel about Gay Marriage, because they aren't God. And even if they say they are God, it's still their call on the Gay Marriage. So basically we get into a situation where the conversation is now about Hate VS. Love. And we all know which one wins in the end folks. If history has taught us anything, it's that anyone that supports the Universal Declaration of Human Rights which is based on the premise that all people are born free and EQUAL are looked favourably on by history. This doesn't just mean race but sexuality, sexual orientation, disabilities and so on. We all have equal worth and should all be able to experience all that life has to offer.

Hillary Clinton did an outstanding job speaking on this issue and I recommend you check it out here. If it was a hollywood movie, this would be the Oscar winning performance. Seriously one of the best I've ever seen.

I think the Church have a lot to answer for when it comes to the damage they have caused to the thousands of individuals who have been hurt and inflicted pain on themselves and others because of what is preached from that pulpit as it relates to the LGBT community. Unfortunately, "sorry" won't cut it in this case, just as it didn't in the child molestation cases. The Church has a responsibility for their actions just as you and I do and people who promote messages of hate for LGBT people have no place in this world, especially if they are in a place of leadership.

As my good friend Hillary says, "be on the right side of history".

If you think Steve Jobs didn't change the world, think again...

I must say I was absolutely  blown away when I watched this video, and I hope you are too. Look at what Steve has managed to inspire in a grade 6 boy.

School has certainly changed since when I was a boy and that wasn't all that long ago.

Just do it...

As my good friend says, "If you aren't living on the edge, you're taking up too much room".

Travel the world
Change jobs
Meet new people
Exercise
Learn to cook
Take some photos
Make someone a special gift
Buy a new car
Spend time with your family
Do some extreme sports

Do something different. You will never know where it will take you and really who cares? it's all about the adventure right?

When was the last time you were a human being?

There is a whole bunch of research on the importance of reflection and meditation and positive health impacts both physically and mentally. I think reflection is such an important part of working out who you are, who you want to be and how to get there. We live in a world where there is more and more to distract us, to demand our time and to take us away from what is important to us. We also live in a world where anxiety and depression are on the rise and we are heavily medicated to deal with the meaninglessness of our modern lives.

I find three things really helpful when reflecting. Being near large bodies of water; walking barefoot on the grass (when was the last time you did that?); and making a conscious decision to spend some time alone to be silent  (I like to go swimming, it's the only way to make sure I don't talk). So it does beg the question, when was the last time you were a human being, rather than a human doing? Do you put time aside for yourself to just be? What are the things you think about when you're not doing? What should you be doing differently?

VS.

Things I learnt from my friend Caryn

This week has been very difficult for me. This week I heard the terrible news that my dear friend Caryn had passed away from cancer.

Let me assure you the world is dimmer without her in it. You see, Caryn always had time for the people she loved. And she loved a lot of people. You would always feel better for knowing you had a friend in Caryn. She was encouraging, grounded and spiritual. She was adventurous. She made every minute count. When you were with her, she was present. Even when cancer was having it's way with her body, she was selfless and positive. I often had no idea how bad her health was getting, but I always knew that she loved and cared for me. While I was traveling overseas earlier this year, she would send me messages to make sure I was having a good time. In the final few months Caryn spoke to me about not fighting cancer, but accepting that this was going to be a part of her life and she had learned so much for having to deal with it. She spoke about how much she loved her friends for not changing when they found out about her diagnosis and spoke of some jokes they had used to get through the grief they were all feeling. She didn't shy away from difficult conversations but never missed an opportunity to laugh or to be kind.

And I know if she could talk to me now, she would encourage me to love my friends, to make the most of life, to accept my flaws and be successful anyway in every aspect of life (she would probably say "get on with it"). She would say that we should all take life for all the richness it has to offer; even if sometimes that meant we had to be sad or in grief.

My friend Caryn is a rare species of human. She was compassionate, loving, self aware, good at almost everything but especially at being a very special friend.

She was my hero. and I love her.
Rest in peace my dear friend, I will always remember you.

Buddhism vs. Christianity #2345

When a Buddhist explains their belief system, they describe it as 'practising Buddhism'. They are moving towards being like Buddha. Their behaviour and actions are more than likely identified with this belief system that they identify with.

When a Christian speaks about their belief system, they call them selves 'a Christian'. They are Christ like. They model their life on that of Jesus Christ.

What is wrong with this?

When you say you are a Christian you leave very little room to make mistakes. And when you do (because you will), you open the door to unhelpful criticism and perhaps some shame that comes with that. You get down on yourself and feel judged and like a failure.

When a Buddhist makes a mistake, it's ok, because they know that was going to happen and never profess to being perfect. In my view, Buddhists allow themselves to show more self compassion. I've never heard anyone say "and you call yourself a Buddhist..." or "that's not very Buddha like". But how many times have you heard the same about Christians?

I think this is also the same when it comes to values. We never fully live all of our values all of the time, but we are always happier when we take actions that move us towards our values rather than away from them.

Lessons learnt in Perception

I once worked for a company where the CEO would stand up in front of new employees and give them a spiel about the company and his expectations. In HR world, this would be considered a very good thing. The only problem was the content of what he said (including the fact that everyone should be able to handle being told to f**k off at least once at work). It was the beginning of what those employees would experience as a 'bullying culture'. The other interesting thing he said which has stuck with me is that 'perception is reality'. That is our customers perceive us to be providing a quality and premium service, then we were. Even if we knew that we almost killed ourselves behind the scenes, as long as the customer saw a polished front, that was all that mattered. It never felt very authentic or genuine to me. There was something cheap about pretending to provide a service that you actually weren't.

Skip forward a couple of years and I'm working for one of the least professional managers of my career. She also had no idea what she was doing technically. Our general manager thought she was absolutely wonderful! So I convinced myself that perhaps she was. Maybe that CEO was right. What did it matter what I thought of her? So what if she didn't know what she was talking about? Our main customer thought she was great, so who was I to argue.

Anyway, long story short, I was reading a book on being politically savvy the other day and they rephrased the saying to 'perception isn't reality, but it may as well be'. And that, is the truth. Perception is SSSOOOOOO important. I work in a job where people's careers live or die by perception, so I absolutely understand how important it is. But I also think we should manage our perception of ourselves to remain authentic and within our capabilities.

Whilst she was perceived to be a great HR manager, after she left there was a very big clean up job to manage the number of fires she had lit around the business. Whilst the General Manager thought she was good, the reality was in fact, that she wasn't.

This week I've been pondering what the perception is of me at work and how accurate that may be. If I reach the conclusion that it's not accurate, I'm going to find a way to change that perception and manage the risk of leaving that trail of destruction... I would hate to be known as deceitful.

Wear nothing new!

This video is not only cute, its very practical. If you are up for it, this is one of the coolest ideas I've heard this month...

Sometimes we don't always get the answer we want. Sometimes it's better.

You are enough.

READ THIS. It's good advice.

Baz Lurhmann weighs in on life; And what good advice it is.

A life of unlearning.

I just finished reading this book. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. It's the story of man who spends a lot of his life living a lie and conforming to a religion before finally having to face up to his reality in a very brutal and difficult way.

Like most books I read, I often find one page stands out more than any other. In this book, it was when the author spoke about spending his entire life unlearning all the things that were untrue in his life and the new things he found himself learning. I found it quite insightful and thought that there is probably something in this for us all.



"Looking at my life, I realised that I'd spent the last fourteen years of my life unlearning, unlearning everything I believed about myself. I had to unlearn in order to discover the truth. And this is what I discovered:

I am a good person. (embarrassingly simple but for years difficult to acknowledge).
I wasn't sick or in need of healing - there was a wholeness in me waiting to be discovered.
I wasn't broken or in need of fixing.
I wasn't an abomination to God - I was equal to every other human being who walks the planet and deserves the respect and rights that brings with it.
It wasn't homosexuality that had kept me bound but others' beliefs I embraced myself. I had learnt that homosexuality is not a curse but a blessing, a precious gift given to approximately somewhere between four to ten percent of the population - that I should celebrate.
I didn't need to change, just accept.
Being a homosexual didn't mean being tormented; as a gay man I could find peace and resolution.
As a homosexual I was not destined to a life of loneliness; reward and fulfillment come to everyone, gay or straight, who is being true to themselves.
I didn't need someone else or a relationship to make me happy; I could find happiness and completeness in myself.
Homosexuality is not an act, it's an identity.
Saying you know the 'truth' makes everyone who thinks differently to you wrong, and puts you in the dangerous position of never being open to learning anything new.
Forgiveness brings transformation and freedom.
God is unfathomable.
I had learnt that I am not a human being having a spiritual experience but a spirit having a human experience.
My great discovery is that my alienation was a precious gift of freedom. Inside the safety of the city walls it's easier not to risk embarking on a journey of self-discovery. However, when you are rejected and thrust beyond the city walls you are forced to find out who you are. What some outsiders discover on the other side is the courage to renounce self-contempt and the rules that others have made (I especially like this bit). At the moment a person questions the validity of the rules, the victim is no longer a victim.

Finally, in life's journey you are never off the path. Every detour, dead end, back alley, even road wrecks, looked at with insight are a possible part of a greater master plan."
- Anthony Venn-Brown -

A flier: Institute for Advanced Atheist Studies

Whilst running to a meeting recently (late of course), I ran by a man standing in the middle of Martin Place holding a sign that said 'God is a fairy and fairies aren't real'. I couldn't work out if he was calling God gay, or if he was saying he wasn't real. It took a couple of double takes to work it out. He was an evangelical Atheist. The first I had ever seen. By the looks on the faces around me, possibly the first they had seen as well. I politely grabbed the flier he was handing out and I must say it does ask some very interesting questions about God; whomever you think him to be. And whilst I'm not pushing any real personal agenda with this post, I think people who do have a religion or faith base, really ought to not shy away from the hard questions, but look at these with curiosity. Ask the hard stuff, because on things that make up the very core of who we are, I think I'd rather not die wondering...

In any case, here is what the flier said, verbatim.

If you believe in God or a deity, the most important thing you can do is to be honest with yourself. Ask the hard questions. Examine your beliefs. Be willing to confront contradictions and problems. You could start by thinking about these questions:
1. Why is it religion is an accident of birth? If a person is born to Catholic parents, they grow up Catholic. If born to Jewish parents, they grow up Jewish. If born to Muslim parents, they grow up Muslim. Religious belief is mostly a lottery of birth, and a lottery of time, circumstances, and place. Why aren't you Jewish or Hindu or Muslim?

2. Just as you are convinced that your God is the one true God, a believer in a different religion believes the same thing for their own religion or God. All the arguments you use, they use. So how can you possibly justify your beliefs, when they are incompatible with other religions which use the exact same arguments?

3. If you tell me that you believe in God because of divine revelation - as in, you have a personal relationship with God - why should I believe you any more than I believe the man in the psychiatric institution who believe he IS Jesus, or the man who sees fairies in his room? The people are just as serious and earnest as you.

4. If the bible is God's word - or at least divinely inspired - then why has it been so heavily edited over the centuries, and why have some books been included and others excluded? The fact is, the Bible is a multi-authored book. It may be the most published book in history, but it is also the most revised and heavily edited book in history. Are we saying editors know better than God's own words?

5. But what proof do we have that the bible is God's word, other than the various writers simply stating that? Heck, I could state that my words are God's work. Why should you believe me? Obviously, you shouldn't. Only believe things when you are presented with good reasons.

6. Why is the largest Christian Church controlled entirely by men? Why are women second-rate citizens in religion?

7. We've always - since the beginning of recorded history - been driven to understand the world around us. In the past, we needed God to help explain so much - from what happened to us when we die, to how the sun rose every day. But now, science has been able to explain nearly all the unanswered questions where we used to resort to God. In 2011 it's pretty clear that our attachment to God isn't rational - it's about emotion. We might not need the idea of God anymore, but we are scared of letting it go.

8. If you don't know how something works, if you don't know how to explain a phenomenon or, for instance, you don't know how the big bang happened - and no-one else knows, either - it's ok to say exactly that: we don't know. No need to lie about it, no need to be embarrassed by it. The bravest thing we can do is admit holes in our knowledge, and stop ourselves from latching on to the first convenient explanation. Of course we are driven to explain things, to seek answers - but the searching is the important bit. Resorting to "It is the work of God" is lazy, and doesn't help anyone.

9. It's often said that there are no atheists in a foxhole - meaning that when we face death we tend to grasp at the idea of God and eternal existence beyond our human life. But isn't fear of death the worst reason to believe in God? Humans are... human. We get scared, we don't want to die. God is a nice idea that helps make that fear go away. But is it better to be truthful to ourselves, or just go with whatever feels good? (side-note: I'm not sure I entirely agree with this point. I quite like the idea of the easy path here...)

10. Most of us grow up with a set of beliefs similar to our family and friends and teachers. But, eventually we start to find our own way. You might vote for a different political party to your parents, or you might disagree over the policy on refugees. My challenge is to go back and start from scratch. Don't start with belief in God, after which you proceed to build justifications against atheists and other nay-sayers. Be bold and brave: start by asking yourself, what reasons are there for me to believe in God, and work from there.

Why I'm brave enough to still support Labor (even though I voted Greens)

Politics by and large are about values. When looking at political parties we make a decision mostly on the basis of what we as individuals agree is the best way forward. We look at a few of their policies and decide whether we believe they are the 'right' thing to do.

Unlike governments, our values don't change over time. I suspect this is why we find large numbers of people who will be loyal to their political party time and time again.

Today we will probably witness one of the largest losses the Labor government has ever had in it's history (that's the prediction). We have been bombarded with all the awful and costly failures of a 16 year Labor government on our TV's, in our newspapers and through our radio. I find it fascinating that our largest government parties have avoided positive campaigns but rather opt for a more negative approach by attacking the opposition. By doing so their argument tends to be 'vote for us, because they certainly aren't very good' as appose to 'vote for us, because we know what is right and believe in the same things as you do'.

The Labor government never intended to do a bad job in government. Underneath a group of pretty incompetent politicians are the values of a fair society. A society which gives people a fair go at work; a secure retirement; and low pollution for our future generations. These are values worth remembering well after the Labor government falls from power today.

As much as the Coalition government tells us that Labor has failed (and in recent times, they are probably right), I think it's important to reflect on a government which has been instrumental in building a great state. Labor opened the Opera House, put on the best Olympic Games the world has seen in 2600 years, cleaned up our iconic Harbour, built the Powerhouse Museum, the Conservatorium, the Wharf Theatre, created the New Year's fireworks, the Byron Bay Blues Festival, the extension of the Sydney Festival to the Western Suburbs, the Premier's Reading Challenge, the Eastern Suburbs railway, the Chifley Scholarships for trade apprentices, and declared 100 National Parks.

Under successive Labor governments, NSW became the most literate state, the second best educated, and Sydney the second best city to live in on earth. Quite an amazing record of achievements if you ask me.

It's fair to say that in recent times they have lost their effectiveness to govern NSW and we all look forward to the new government getting us back on the right track; but when I reflect upon the Labor government, I do support what it stands for and why it exists.

Today I voted for the Greens. I believe the Greens have similar values to that of the Labor government in wanting the best future for our country and I believe my values best align with them for now, but I have every faith in the Labor government finding their feet again and unlike a lot people in NSW I certainly haven't written them off.

Sixth Sense

This could change the way we do everything! Well... eventually.

But how exciting is it! I promise to get over my Ted obsession very soon, but in the meantime, check out the latest in technology that Apple will probably release in the next 6 months (probably right?).

I can't wait to go shopping with this sucker.

Being mindful about Television

I've just completed a bit of a social experiment. Being disappointed with the amount of mindless television I manage to absorb within a week, I decided for one week only, I would only watch my favourite shows and actually turn off the television when they weren't on. Usually I would have the TV on as 'background noise' (or so I seem to justify it to myself).

Below are some things I noticed on my week of mindful TV watching.

Day 1
I feel surprisingly productive today. I went to bed at 10ish last night and woke at 6am for a morning walk. I then came home and ate a proper breakfast and read some more of my current book. I went to work and then came home (the long way, another nice walk) and started preparing dinner while listening to music. Then I read my book and watched 'brothers and sisters' (don't judge me). So far so good, I don't feel like I missed out on anything and I feel proud to have done so much with my Monday, a day I typically HATE!

Day 3
I've missed exercise in the mornings two days in a row (not really a morning person it turns out). But that's ok because I haven't had a mindless TV agenda at night time so I have substituted it for night time exercise and that's worked well. I nearly slipped last night and almost watched the fat family show on after Packed to the Rafters (don't judge me... again). But quickly remembered and turned it off. I've also noticed I'm paying a lot more attention to music this week.

Day 5
Turns out it's easy to substitute TV with computer and internet. There is so many interesting things to read about and learn on the net. Still though, probably as pointless as TV. I think next weeks challenge might be to add computer in the mix with TV.

Conclusion:
1. I didn't miss the other shows that I used to sit through at all.
2. I didn't feel ripped off, because I still got to see the shows that I love.
3. When I did watch TV, it felt more interesting than normal (I didn't even play with my iPhone when watching, uni-tasking!).
4. I managed to exercise everyday because I wasn't stupidly tired for watching TV to ridiculous hours to view shows I don't care about.
5. I managed to spend time reading, writing and doing other things that I genuinely enjoy doing.

Turns out being mindful about TV could be very worthwhile.

Sound advice on life from 1927

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann-

The Happy World Index

This is one of the greatest things I've seen this year.

We live in a world where we value money and productivity over everything else. It's what's ultimately important to us as a society (if world economics is anything to go by). Wouldn't it be nice if we measured overall well-being and tried to make the world a place where we valued the foundations of allowing someone to be happy whlist not abusing our planet in the process? The Happy World index is all about measuring what's actually important.

Costa Rica ceased to have an army in the 1940's and instead put it's money into health and education. It get's 95% of its electricity requirements from renewable energy sources. If only the rest of the world would follow this fine example, what an amazing world we would live in.

This video is a must watch. There is probably going to be problems with the way we measure this (getting the exact formula is obviously going to be difficult), but the concept in general is BRILLIANT!

I know, I know it's 16 minutes long. Couldn't the change we need in the world be delivered in 4 minutes? Don't they know we are busy? JUST WATCH IT!

Getting the "Thank You" that you need.

My good mate Teebs put me onto this interesting video on asking people to praise you the way that you need so you don't suffer in silence for no reason.

Not everyone will work it out by themselves, sometimes you need to tell them how you like to be appreciated. I think I like the idea... What do you think?

Being Happier: Happiness in Relationships

I've just finished reading a fantastic book by Tal Ben-Shahar called "Happier". It's the main text for the Harvard University studies on Positive Psychology. If you don't already have a back log of amazing books to read, I suggest you add this to your list.


The whole book was very insightful and interesting but I found the chapter on relationships the most valuable. I already knew that having a "close, nurturing, equitable, intimate and lifelong companionship with one's best friend" was the best predictor of one's overall happiness, but here is what I didn't know. (below are inserts of the chapter either directly or indirectly, in 'readers digest' form :-)

Unconditional Love: Understanding unconditional love is confusing in itself. What are we saying? we want someone to love us for no reason? to love no matter what? are we saying that love needs no justification?

When we love someone, there are usually some tangible things we can put our finger on to explain why we love them, but there are also unconscious things we love about them too. This explains why when you ask someone why they love someone and they respond with 'I don't know, I just do'. They may not be conscious to the person, but nevertheless, they exist.

Is the idea then of understanding unconditional love fundamentally unreasonable? It depends on whether or not the characteristics we love in someone are manifestations of that person's core self.

Core Self: This comprises our deepest and most stable characteristics - our character. The actual principles we live our lives by may not be synonymous with the principles we think we do. Our core self must be observed by others through the manifestation of our behaviors and actions.

Whether or not you win or lose in life and the activities you pursue, a partner who loves unconditionally will not alter in their love dependent on these successes or failures because nothing about your core self has changed (or the reasons you started those activities in the first place).

To be loved for our wealth, power, or fame is to be loved conditionally; to be loved for our steadfastness, intensity, or warmth is to be loved unconditionally. Get it?

The circle of happiness: Research tells us that children who have clear boundaries and are within close proximity of their parents are more creative, take more risks and when they fail they try again more often. They feel secure and safe in the presence of a person who loves them unconditionally.

Adults are capable of higher levels of abstraction than children, we don't need to be in close proximity in a physical sense to know that we are loved unconditionally and to feel that sense of safety and security. But unconditional love does create a parallel circle of happiness in which we are able to pursue things and take more risks knowing that someone loves us 'no matter what'. We experience freedom regardless of prestige or success. Unconditional love is the foundation of a happy relationship.

(and this is really important in my view) If someone truly loves me, he or she, more than anything else, would want me to express my core self and would draw out those qualities that make me who I really am.

Love and sacrifice: Remaining in an unhappy relationship out of a sense of duty toward partners, children or religion leads to frustration and ultimately unhappiness (probably not surprising). Interestingly, in an attempt to 'sacrifice yourself' for your partner, you end up making both of you unhappy.

It is important to note that standing by one's partner in a time of need is not sacrifice; when we love someone, we often feel that helping that person is helping ourselves. As Nathaniel Branden notes, "This is the great complement of love: that our self-interest expands to encompass our partner."

Taking a week off work, for example, to help a partner complete a job is not a sacrifice because by helping your partner to complete the job, you are also helping yourself. BUT, leaving your job (if it's important to who you are as a person - or your Core self) so that your partner can take up a job in another country/state/city is a sacrifice because you are sacrificing something important to you for the sake of your partners happiness. In turn you will also be happy to see them happy (bit confusing isn't it).

Relationships need to be equitable. Not in salary or role, but in the happiness both bring and take from the relationship. While compromise is a natural and healthy part of any relationship, while at different times each partner will forgo some meaning or pleasure for the sake of the other, overall the relationship must profit both partners - both must be happier for being together.

To be known rather than validated: Relationships based purely on physical attraction will fail (obviously). When lust wears off, something must remain to take it's place (hopefully passion and love). To cultivate genuine intimacy the focus in a relationship must shift from the desire to be validated - seeking approval and praise - to the desire to be known.

In order for love and passion in a relationship to grow over time, both partners must be willing to be known, and this means gradually disclosing their innermost selves- their desires, fears, fantasies, dreams - even when those do not show them in the most favourable light. Over time partners can create a deeper understanding of their partners values, passions, concerns and hopes.

Cultivating over Finding: Would anyone seriously entertain the notion that once you found your dream job and the ideal workplace, you would no longer need to work hard? Such an approach would inevitably lead to failure. Relationships work in a similar way.

Relationships aren't as much about 'finding the one true love' as they are about cultivating the one chosen love. It's about starting to work on the relationship after it starts rather than finishing the job once it's found.

6 things about extraordinary people.

When I think about people that inspire others, I find they often have a range of common attributes. I've reflected on these and I think the key things I've noticed are:

1. They know their story - They know where they have come from and what their story is. They usually reflect upon this and allow the learnings in their own life contribute to the value they add to others lives.

2. They know what they stand for - Not only do they have a clear view on the key issues they stand for, but they can also be humble enough to acknowledge when they don't have a view or when their view is wrong.

3. They're passionate - Passion is an amazing thing. When it's there people recognise it and respond to it. It motivates and engages us (and others) to push through, even in the tough times (think Mother Theresa)

4. They are usually 'others focused' - Few people inspire others by being self focused. Naturally, others are inspired by work which makes the world a better place.

5. They have a sense of comfort in themselves - We are all insecure about things in our life, sometimes about a lot of things. People who inspire others and who I think are extraordinary find comfort in accepting themselves and demonstrating self compassion.

6. They have time for other people - The most interesting thing I've learned about the most extraordinary people in my life is that they always have time for me (and others). People who are too busy being important to spend time with people, very rarely are important or extraordinary. Extraordinary people see the value in spending time with others and do it regularly.


This is not an exhaustive list, you probably notice things about extraordinary people as well, but these are usually the things I notice.

The kids are alright. Same-sex Parents.

Mid to late last year I went on a holiday to Cairns with my bestie Teebs. We went to see a movie (just because we could, don't you love holidays!) called 'The kids are alright'. The movie is about a lesbian couple raising two children and the children then meeting their biological father. It was an uncomfortable viewing for Teebs and I as we wriggled in our seat and bit our lip at the every stereotypical but generally correct moment. I think after the movie we were silent for about half an hour as we digested all the different themes and moments we could relate to, and the others which we couldn't (yet).

It was probably the first time I had considered what it would be like to be a same-sex parent, or even more interesting, what it would be like growing up with same-sex parents. And I don't mean 'what it would be like' as in when you look at family photos, there would be two men or two women as the parents. I mean, every morning you wake up, you have breakfast at the table, you take the kids to school and go to work, you attend parent-teacher interviews together, you take the kids to sports on the weekend, you celebrate birthdays and so on... I mean the actual practicality of everyday living as a same-sex parent.

As something that is heavily debated in society today, it is something I've been reluctant to have a view on, probably just because I'm not close enough to know what it is like or I haven't met very many people who have gone through it.

An interesting study that was released in the US journal 'Pediatrics' last year found that children raised by lesbian couples generally have greater academic success, higher self-esteem and fewer behavioural problems than children who grow up with heterosexual parents. The research may find some very surprising findings and perhaps our society is not quite ready for that kind of information just yet, but interestingly it has been quite a long time coming given the study was conducted over a very long period of time (couples who took part were recruited between 1986 and 1992 with their 78 children now in their late teens).

The people who conducted the study also commented that each child within the study is the 'product of careful planning and a considered desire for motherhood'. There are also some other interesting findings from the study including the benefits of learning about diversity and tolerance at an early age and dealing with prejudice as apart of life rather than being 'protected' as much as possible until we are forced to deal with it.

As my step-brother finishes his jail sentence and looks forward to meeting his three children to two different women which surprised us all (including him), I must say there is something to be said for same-sex couples who have to go through a very detailed planning process (beyond getting drunk and having an 'accident') before being blessed with a new life to care and nurture for. The research seems to indicate that these children do tend to do better at life and fill the world with more of what we need (in my view).

See the film if you're interested, it's a thought provoking flick.

"Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

I read a column in a paper today about the 'Pirates vs. Navy' concept. The concept was about how you roughly fit into one of the two camps. You either follow the laws, appreciate status-quo, and do what society tells us to do, whilst maintaining order. You live for obedience, organisation and control (Navy) OR... you are adventurous, have no regard for the way things 'ought' to be, do what you think is right rather than what you are told is right. You take risks. You do things first and then ask for forgiveness later (Pirate).

The article stated that as we get older, we often become far more Navy. Even more interesting, as we get older we actually appreciate Navy far more than we do Pirates. It also suggested that Pirates have more fun. When I think about the most fun I've ever had, it's probably when I've had my pirate hat on. Overall I think I would like to be considered a Pirate, but I'm probably a Navy. Perhaps a Pirate in a corporate, Navy world.

The attached video is an advertisement from Apple in 1997 which I think reflects the Pirate concept well. It's also inspiring. Once upon a time, a niche, mostly broke and destined for failure tech firm appreciated the pirate concept. Now they are close to being the most influential and valuable company in the world.

What can you change? Who can you impact? What can you make better? When can you dust off your Pirate outfit and take a risk again in the hope that it will pay off?

On being "Good Enough"

If I woke up late
Couldn’t get out of bed
If I bought you a café latte instead
If I lied when I said 32 inches was the size of my waist
And if I admit every once in a while
Even though I dig alternative style
Occasionally I can be caught dancin’ to Brittany
And can I confess
That art house doesn’t turn me on
But I like every single thing that Speilberg’s done (Except A.I.)

Could I be good enough?
Could I be good enough?
If the going got worse and the worse got rough
The days became endless and harder than tough
I’d be good enough
Better than best would be simply to be good enough
If everything I give doesn’t seem like a lot
If it’s all that I got
Baby tell that could be good enough

Where I grew up
The rent was cheap
But we always had enough to eat Didn’t have fancy clothes
I never really cared coz there were shoes on my toes
And motherly love
I knew it like the back of my hand
She always had a way to make me understand

I could be good enough?
I could be good enough?
If the going got worse and the worse got rough
The days became endless and harder than tough
I’d be good enough
Better than best would be simply to be good enough
If everything I give doesn’t seem like a lot
If it’s all that I got
Baby tell me that could be good enough

Coz I don’t know which way this road is gonna turn
But I know it’s gonna be fine
But there are some days no matter how much I’ve learned
That the road gets tough
And I don’t feel good enough
But if you’re giving me some of that loving
Could you pass some over
Let me cry on your shoulder and tell me baby
I could be good enough

If I lost my job
And my hair fell out
If I made no sense
And I scream and shout
Would you laugh at me?
Never take a word I say seriously And if I’m out in the cold
Waiting in the back of the line
Too afraid to drop my name for fear of decline

Could you tell me I’m good enough? Could I be good enough?
If the going got worse and the worse got rough
The days became endless and harder than tough
I’d be good enough
Better than best would be simply to be good enough
If everything I give doesn’t seem like a lot
If it’s all that I’ve got
Baby tell me that could be good enough

I need to know that I could be good enough
Because everybody wants to feel good enough
Show me baby
Tell me
Come on a prove it baby
Give it to me

- Darren Hayes -

Living for that one little moment.

I've been planning a world trip. A holiday if you like. Three holidays perhaps, all squished into one. Typical of me, an all or nothing approach to seeing the world, or at least a great big chunk.

While the thought of taking three months out to travel the world sounds like complete fun, all the work in getting to the point where you are at the airport, is more like hard work.

First of all you have to work out where to go. With only pop culture setting our path (thanks Lilo and Stitch for the Hawaii suggestion), we just found a map and pointed. It's probably going to work out great. We have all the movie quotes that we need to say in all the right places. But working out where to go is just the beginning.

Two travel agents, 5 combinations of different airlines and about 5 x 1 hour meetings later, we finally landed on Virgin Atlantic to take us most of the way. Brilliant, flights booked and paid for. The trip is almost done. WRONG!

Picking the right tour for Europe was a trick. What if you hate the people, the bus, the accommodation, where they take you etc... Taking advantage of a couple of anxiety attacks, we managed to land on a 37 day tour with Top Deck. Probably a bit long, but if you're going to Europe, you've really gotta do it. Great, well it's almost done. WRONG!

What about America and Hawaii? It's half of the whole trip. Where are we going to stay? what are you going to do? How will it work? So we spend another couple of sessions with the travel agent and booked a few grand in travel. The places look amazing, exactly how you want your accommodation to look.

I'm being a realist now. I know we aren't even close. We've spent $12k and haven't taken off yet. I know we still have travel insurance, bags, clothes, spending money etc... to take care of. It's going to almost be a full time job as it gets closer.

But still, I keep dreaming of that first 10 minutes. We've taken off, we have a glass of bubbly in hand. 3 Months ahead of us. No work. No Winter. The thoughts of how that will feel is enough to get me through all the planning and work up until that one moment. And its going. to. be. GREAT!

It gets better...

The best video of this type I have ever seen. I think. I can't work out whether I think it's really great or just amusing. But I do love it.