I've just finished reading a fantastic book by Tal Ben-Shahar called "Happier". It's the main text for the Harvard University studies on Positive Psychology. If you don't already have a back log of amazing books to read, I suggest you add this to your list.
The whole book was very insightful and interesting but I found the chapter on relationships the most valuable. I already knew that having a "close, nurturing, equitable, intimate and lifelong companionship with one's best friend" was the best predictor of one's overall happiness, but here is what I didn't know. (below are inserts of the chapter either directly or indirectly, in 'readers digest' form :-)
Unconditional Love: Understanding unconditional love is confusing in itself. What are we saying? we want someone to love us for no reason? to love no matter what? are we saying that love needs no justification?
When we love someone, there are usually some tangible things we can put our finger on to explain why we love them, but there are also unconscious things we love about them too. This explains why when you ask someone why they love someone and they respond with 'I don't know, I just do'. They may not be conscious to the person, but nevertheless, they exist.
Is the idea then of understanding unconditional love fundamentally unreasonable? It depends on whether or not the characteristics we love in someone are manifestations of that person's core self.
Core Self: This comprises our deepest and most stable characteristics - our character. The actual principles we live our lives by may not be synonymous with the principles we think we do. Our core self must be observed by others through the manifestation of our behaviors and actions.
Whether or not you win or lose in life and the activities you pursue, a partner who loves unconditionally will not alter in their love dependent on these successes or failures because nothing about your core self has changed (or the reasons you started those activities in the first place).
To be loved for our wealth, power, or fame is to be loved conditionally; to be loved for our steadfastness, intensity, or warmth is to be loved unconditionally. Get it?
The circle of happiness: Research tells us that children who have clear boundaries and are within close proximity of their parents are more creative, take more risks and when they fail they try again more often. They feel secure and safe in the presence of a person who loves them unconditionally.
Adults are capable of higher levels of abstraction than children, we don't need to be in close proximity in a physical sense to know that we are loved unconditionally and to feel that sense of safety and security. But unconditional love does create a parallel circle of happiness in which we are able to pursue things and take more risks knowing that someone loves us 'no matter what'. We experience freedom regardless of prestige or success. Unconditional love is the foundation of a happy relationship.
(and this is really important in my view) If someone truly loves me, he or she, more than anything else, would want me to express my core self and would draw out those qualities that make me who I really am.
Love and sacrifice: Remaining in an unhappy relationship out of a sense of duty toward partners, children or religion leads to frustration and ultimately unhappiness (probably not surprising). Interestingly, in an attempt to 'sacrifice yourself' for your partner, you end up making both of you unhappy.
It is important to note that standing by one's partner in a time of need is not sacrifice; when we love someone, we often feel that helping that person is helping ourselves. As Nathaniel Branden notes, "This is the great complement of love: that our self-interest expands to encompass our partner."
Taking a week off work, for example, to help a partner complete a job is not a sacrifice because by helping your partner to complete the job, you are also helping yourself. BUT, leaving your job (if it's important to who you are as a person - or your Core self) so that your partner can take up a job in another country/state/city is a sacrifice because you are sacrificing something important to you for the sake of your partners happiness. In turn you will also be happy to see them happy (bit confusing isn't it).
Relationships need to be equitable. Not in salary or role, but in the happiness both bring and take from the relationship. While compromise is a natural and healthy part of any relationship, while at different times each partner will forgo some meaning or pleasure for the sake of the other, overall the relationship must profit both partners - both must be happier for being together.
To be known rather than validated: Relationships based purely on physical attraction will fail (obviously). When lust wears off, something must remain to take it's place (hopefully passion and love). To cultivate genuine intimacy the focus in a relationship must shift from the desire to be validated - seeking approval and praise - to the desire to be known.
In order for love and passion in a relationship to grow over time, both partners must be willing to be known, and this means gradually disclosing their innermost selves- their desires, fears, fantasies, dreams - even when those do not show them in the most favourable light. Over time partners can create a deeper understanding of their partners values, passions, concerns and hopes.
Cultivating over Finding: Would anyone seriously entertain the notion that once you found your dream job and the ideal workplace, you would no longer need to work hard? Such an approach would inevitably lead to failure. Relationships work in a similar way.
Relationships aren't as much about 'finding the one true love' as they are about cultivating the one chosen love. It's about starting to work on the relationship after it starts rather than finishing the job once it's found.
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